David's Funnies

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A young lad was amusing himself playing with worms on the lawn. His grandfather asked him what he was doing. The lad replied "you see that worm right there grandpa". After adjusting his spectacles on his nose the grandfather looked down and said "yes son what's wrong with it". The boy stated proudly that he was gonna get the worm back into the ground. His grandfather chuckled, and said " son if you can get that worm back into his hole in the ground ... I'll give you five dollars".

The lad looked from his grandfather and tried trying to get the worm into the hole, after about ten minutes the lad now very frustrated at the prospect of losing the bet to his grandpa stated "I'll be right back", and ran into the house. In about five minutes he came back out with a, can of ultra hold hair spray from his grandmother's bathroom. He proceeds to spray the worm with the hair spray until it is stiff and straight, then hold it up and inserts it into the hole it came out of.

The grandfather scratches his head and says, "well I'll be damned". He then takes out his wallet and hands the boy a nice crisp $5.00 bill, and walks into the house.

After about half an hour, the old man emerges from the house and finds the boy still playing in the yard, and walks over to him and hands the lad another $5.00 bill. Well the lad took the bill without saying a word, and after a few minutes, decided that his grandfather must be getting forgetful. He goes up to the front porch and tries to hand his grandpa the $5.00 back saying "I'm sorry for taking your money grandpa ... but if you'll remember, you already gave me the five dollars from the bet a little while ago".

To this his grandfather replies, "no son you keep that $5.00 too ... it's from your grandmother".

This guy goes into a bar and sees a sign over the bar with a picture of a man and the words "World's Champ". The guy walks up to the bar and asks what the picture is all about. The bartender tells him that the guy is the Champ because he drank 39 pints of beer in one hour. The guy says, "I can beat that record." He sits down and begins. He knocks back ten pints pretty fast. He is feeling drunk, but still in control. He gets ten more down. He's pretty messed up, but still coherent. He gets down the next ten, and a crowd gathers around. He gets down five more, and the crowd starts cheering. He is fading in and out of consciousness at this point. He blacks out as he breaks the record. He comes into the bar the next day, looking like hell. Sure enough his picture has replaced the previous one. The bartender congratulates him and offers him a round on the house. He says, "No way dude, last night I blew Chunks." The bartender says "So what, we have all done that. Have a round." The guy replies "No man, you don't understand, I blew Chunks." The bartender goes "I don't believe this shit! You're the Champ and you won't drink a round because you puked? That's ridiculous!!! The guy screams 'You don't get it asshole!

Chunks is my dog!"

This guy walks into a whorehouse, with very little money. He is very horny, so he asks "How much for a really cheap one?'

The mistress says, "Well, in room 213 we got a real cheap 'un. Only 50 cents.'

'Good" says the man as he hands over the money.

Bout fifteen minutes later, he comes back down and says, "Maam, I think your girl is sick. There is white stuff coming out her ears.'

"Damn. 'Hey Joe, go up there and clean out the dead one, She's full again!!!"'

A big time Wall Street Broker moves to the country to become a chicken farmer. He purchases a small farm, and orders 1500 chicks from the local feed store.

About three weeks later, he orders 2000 more chicks from the feed store.

After another three weeks, he orders 2500 more chicks.

The feed store owner says to the broker, your chicken farm must really be growing. The broker replies that it's not growing too well, I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.

(One for cricket fans)

A woman goes to the police station and complains that an English batsman has raped her.

The policeman asks how she knew he was English.

She replies, "Well, he wasn't in for very long"!!!!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her car, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should " a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, "Bill?" she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh ... she got fired too."

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor.

The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies "She choked."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle'.

There were three pregnant women at the gynaecologist office. (a redhead, brunette and blond). They all wanted to find out what they were going to have. The doctor told them that the ultrasound machine was broken but she would try to help them buy asking some questions. So she asked the brunette what position she was in when she conceived and the brunette said she was on the bottom. The doctor said she was going to have a boy.

So she asked the red head the same question and the redhead said she was on top. The doctor said she was going to have a girl.

Then the doctor turned to the blonde and saw she was crying and asked what was the matter and the blond replied "I'm going to have puppies."