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David's Funnies
This farmer is leaning against his fence when he sees a stranger walking up
the road with a large piece of chicken wire. Curious, the farmer asks, "Where
the hell are you going with that?" "I'm going to get me some chickens." the
stranger replies. "You dumb ass!" retorted the farmer. "You can't get chickens
with chicken wire!'
Two hours later the same stranger was watched by the farmer walking back
the other way down the road with ten dead chickens stuck to the chicken wire.
The farmer could only scratch his head in amazement. The following day the
same farmer is leaning against his fence again when he sees the same stranger
walking up the road, this time with a roll of duct tape. Curious, the farmer
asks, "Where the hell are you going with that?" "I'm going to get me some
ducks." the stranger replies. 'You dumb ass!" retorted the farmer. "You can't
get ducks with duct tape!" Two hours later the same stranger walked by with
ten dead ducks stuck to the duct tape! The farmer couldn't believe what he'd
seen.
On the third day the farmer spied the stranger walking up the road with
a branch of pussy willow and called out "Hang on, I'm comin' with ya!"
This guy is up in court on theft charges, however his lawyer tells the
crusty old judge "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly the
high speed modem"
"High speed modem"? Questions the judge.
"Yes" replies the lawyer "it allows computers to communicate over vast
distances".
"Amazing" says the judge "what will they think of next".
"Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer " my client can produce a receipt
for the eight speed CD Rom".
"Eight speed CD Rom"? Queries the judge
"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off
a small disk".
"Modern technology, baffling" comments the judge.
'Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe
inflatable milkmaid, whatever that is".
"The super deluxe is the one with the real hair" replies the judge.
Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very
attentively.
Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?
Barman: Well, yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take
your cash from?
A man gets laid up and can't work. He tells his wife that she's going
to have to be a hooker to pay the bills. She is reluctant, but finally agrees.
She gets up bright and early one morning, and comes home at about 2 a.m.
"Well', he says, "how did you do today?"
'Not too well", she says, "I only made Twenty-five dollars and twenty
five cents..."
"WHAT?" he screams. "Who in the fuck gave you the twenty- five cents?'
"Why, all of them."
01 When you miss a period you can use a semi-colon
02 A Pubic hare is a wild rabbit
03 A Vulva is a Swedish car
04 Spread eagle is an extinct bird
05 A Fallopian tube is part of a TV
06 It is dangerous to have a wet dream in an electric blanket
07 Vagina is a medical term for heart trouble
08 Felatio is an Italian dagger
09 A menstrual cycle has three wheels
10 A G string is part of a violin
11 Anus is the latin word for yearly
12 Semen is another word for sailors
13 Testicles are found on an octopus
14 Cuninilingus is a person who speaks 4 languages
15 Asphalt describes rectal trouble
16,Kotex is a radio station in Texas
17 Masturbate is used to catch big fish
18 Cotius is a musical instrument
19 Fetus is a character in Gunsmoke
20 An umbilical cord is part of a parachute
21 A condom is an apartment building
Teacher asks class to think of a word and then put it in a sentence.
Johnny puts up his hand and says "URINATE'
Teacher is shocked but says can you put that in a sentence?
Johnny says, "My Dad says you're an eight but if you had bigger tits you'd
be a ten."
Police pull woman driver over and ask her to blow into the breathalyser
bag.
The reading is very high and the cop says to her, "Gee, you've had a few
stiff ones tonight haven't you?
She replies, OH, Does it show that as well?
'The Sesame Street Gang Learns Something New"'
Grover was really bored, one day. Big Bird was collecting cans for the
poor, and Oscar the Grouch was in one of his pissed-off moods again. So he
decided to 90 over to Maria's house.
"Hi, Maria!" Grover exclaimed as he entered. 7he sight he saw was one
he would not soon forget.. Maria lay on the couch, wearing nothing but a
pair of high-heeled shoes. She had one of her fingers deep inside her wet
pussy, the digit probing and caressing her inner membranes. She looked up
and saw Grover, and was startled. She had not expected any company. But a
lewd grin soon replaced her initial look of apprehension; she invited Grover
to join her on the couch. Now Grover, you see, was a virgin. He didn't ever
admit it to any of the other Sesame Street gang, but he had never even felt
a girl's tits. So you can imagine the wave of pleasure that swept over him.
Without a word, Grover approached Maria, and crawled on top of her. Since
Muppets don't wear clothes, he didn't have to undress. He reached between
his legs, and from the jungle of blue fur extracted a huge blue cock, hairy
from end to end. It was already fully erect, and fit to burst. With one deft
move, Maria parted her pussy lips, already wet from masturbation, and Grover
soon filled her void with his heaving azure member. He pumped up and down
on Maria, the sensuous movement bringing his excitement to a fever pitch.
The puppeteers had their hands full that day! Maria was experiencing a whole
new world of pleasure, herself, she had never fucked a Muppet before, and
it proved to be an incredible experience.
Grover soon exploded inside her, his warm fuzzy dick going off like a
cannon deep within Maria. She screamed, as she was climaxing at the same
time. She grabbed a hold of Grover's blue shoulders, and almost wept on his
shoulder, so powerful was the experience. But Grover wasn't done yet. His
furry member had gone soft, and he wanted it hard again. So he leaned over,
and took one of Maria's pert breasts in his mouth. His plush tongue caressed
and fondled the nipple, and Maria moaned at the pleasure of it. The nipple
was very hard, and Grover was having a delightful time, tasting bare tit
for the first time. Soon Maria decided it was her turn to have a little "taste"
of the action. She shoved Grover off her tit, and bent down. With both hands
she grasped his monstrous cock, and began to stroke it, slowly at first,
then with greater and greater intensity.
Grover (actually Frank Oz) moaned and cried at the incredible feeling.
The member was soon hard as a rock, and Maria lifted it to her eager lips.
She devoured his cock with great appetite, sliding her mouth up and down
the plush boner, and with her hands she stroked his blue balls. Grover, by
this time, was about ready to come, and he cried out, simultaneously, great
bursts of white cum exploded from his member into Maria's mouth, and she
eagerly swallowed the divine nectar of his loins. She was pleasantly surprised
to find it tasted like marshmallows.
Grover knew he must have more. He turned Maria around, so she was on all
fours; he licked and sucked her ass and pussy, burying his big furry head
between her creamy thighs. Soon, he was erect again,' and without another
word, he proceeded to drive his massive rod into her ass, again and again.
He was like an animal. Maria cried out in a mixture of pain and ecstasy:
"Oh, Grover, Yes, Grover!" Grover knew, as he came one more time, that learning
letters and numbers just wasn't going to cut it anymore.
At about this time, Bert and Ernie stopped by Maria's. They were going
to go miniature golfing. But when they saw the vicious fucking on the couch,
they knew that they were staying right there. They quickly stripped, and
Bert fucked Ernie's ass so hard that Ernie screamed. Bert bucked back and
forth like a kid on a rocking horse, and held on to Ernie by Ernie's own
cock.
Of course, by this time, Grover and Maria were aware that they had company.
They watched the pair butt fuck, becoming aroused themselves; then they decided
that they wanted to join in. After Bert had climaxed, Maria shoved Ernie
onto his back, and straddled him. She began rubbing her fuzzy mound, just
to tease Ernie; he cried out for her to stop. She then took his swollen member
in her hand, and guided it gently into her soaking wet pussy.
She began to move up and down, she became so aroused that vaginal juices
were dripping down from her pussy onto Ernie's pubic region. Before Ernie
could come, she pulled herself up off him; and then, without a word Of
explanation, turned around, and sat down on his cock with her back facing
him. She leaned forwards, as if to touch her toes, and Ernie was amazed at
how deep he could penetrate her in this position. Regions of Maria never
touched before by Muppet dick were now being slammed again and again by the
furious force of Ernie's dick. He finally came, great bursts of white hot
jizzum swimming through her inner recesses like a school of fish. She moaned
in ecstasy, knowing that Muppets make the best lovers. All this time, don't
think for a minute that Grover and Bert were idle. Janice, from the Muppet
show, had stopped by, and God knows Janice never misses an opportunity for
a good fuck. She had stripped within seconds, and lay down on the floor with
her legs spread far apart. Bert knelt down in front of her, and shoved his
massive cock into her tight hot pussy. Janice cried for Grover, and he crammed
his dick into her eager mouth. Janice was having a fine time, let me tell
you! She hungrily ate up Grover's dick, and deep-throated it, quite an
accomplishment when you take its size into account .
With one hand, she rubbed and fondled Grover's balls. With the other,
she assisted Bert, spreading apart her pussy lips, and guiding him in as
efficiently as possible. Soon, Bert came, in a furious thunderclap of semen,
and just as she felt his burning love course through her, Grover's dick spurted
in her mouth, the delicious elixir trickling down her thirsty throat.
Before long, Maria and the muppet's energy were spent.
They had had a fine time, and Grover had learned a lot about women.
Grover's sexual knowledge before was minimal, Cookie Monster had once
tried to explain masturbation to him, but a strange look in his eyes had
frightened Grover away. The count insisted that sucking blood was only one
thing you could suck, and certainly not the best thing. And when the big
purple headed monster tried to show Grover that it actually had four heads,
he ran away screaming. But now Grover knew about the intimate parts of women
very well
Some questions remained unanswered, however, questions that he knew may
never be answered.
1. Why is Oscar so grouchy all the time? Does it have anything to do with
Elmo?
2. What sex is Big Bird, anyhow?
3. How big is the snuffoiafagus ?
4. Where is Kermit's pecker? He doesn't seem to have one at all.
5. Is that really Gonzo's nose?
6. Why is Miss Piggy such a bitch all the time? (refer to #4)
7. Why are there so many little kids always running around?
8. What do the "Pigs in Space" do for fun? Do they all share Miss Piggy?
9. Are those two old guys in the balcony gay or something.?
10. How come there are no Native American muppets?
11. What does Mr. Rogers do all day in that big house of his?
The day had drawn to a close, and the five of them decided to get a bite
to eat. They went to a local deli for some peanut butter sandwiches. On the
way there, the five discussed their feelings and concerns, and how the next
time could be more satisfactory for all involved. After their meal they all
joined in a rousing chorus of "rubber ducky. " Bert suggested the number
of the day be "69, " and they all laughed. All around, a good time was had
by all, and a feeling of fellowship drifted over Sesame Street that night.
Note: The preceding episode was NOT broadcasted by PBS. Complain to your
local cable company.
A Lovely, -Witty Lawyer Wrote This
A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger.
I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and
her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male caveman, scratch
your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250
horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat
up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate
to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, over aerobicized woman jumps in
front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighbourhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell
in my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow
guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at
me again. Twice? Fuck that. I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator,
I am.) "I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by car?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave
him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to
tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a
collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give
the paperwork to the cop.
She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about
those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. I began feeling little overheated gears
in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," 1 told the cop, " Which
makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets
to this asshole?" The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about bad it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the
street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to
Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman
admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offence."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen
can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new
favourite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable
cause to detain me. That is an indictable offence."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her
arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her
cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public
Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized
the summonses.
She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth
a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance
surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her
face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.
Joe, a businessman, was driving home after spending a great day out on
the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper
on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding
a little...
As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and
motioned him to the side of the bridge. Joe pulled over like a good
citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were
going, BOY?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 mph, BOY! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"If you already knew" replied Joe, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Joe's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and
you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Joe, in his stained fishing attire and
said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone
so scruffy in my entire life!"
Joe answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of
a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Joe.
"What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Joe explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does
it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one
whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and
farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the
hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Joe nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the
end of a bridge"
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