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David's Funnies
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's
being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him
intently, the guy thinks nothing of it.
A few moments later, though, the midget drags a small
stepladder next to the urinal. He then proceeds to admire the man's privates at
close range from atop the stepladder.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the
nicest testicles I've ever seen!"
Surprised -- and flattered -- the man thanks the midget
and starts to zip up.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange
request," says the little fellow, "but would mind if I touched
them?"
Again, the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm
so he obliges...
The midget reaches out and gets a tight grip on the man's
privates, then says, "Okay, mister, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off
the ladder!"
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner
came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest
whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.
"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's
upstairs in the second room on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for
the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked
open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
"You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her
ankles.
"How do you know I want to do it in that
position?" asked the miner.
"I don't," replied the whore, "but I
thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was
in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than
generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three
hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church,
the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000
bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation
and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the
plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the
church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she
slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so
much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation.
She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll
take him and him and him."
There are three blondes stranded on an island.
Suddenly, a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of
them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. So, instantly,
the fairy turns her into brunette, and she then swims off the island.
The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the
previous one. So, instantly, the fairy turns her into redhead. The redhead
builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than
the previous two. So, the fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the
bridge.
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to
deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the
doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her
5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so
he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little
while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old
what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He
shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Waterbed
Guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his young
blonde wife standing in the middle of their Deluxe apartment wearing a red
G-string, 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?"
"I think the waterbed busted" says the trembling
wife
Just then a naked guy floats by ,,,,,,,,
"Who's that?" demands the husband
"I dunno, must be a life guard.
English Lesson of the Day
Shit is a powerful word. Shit may just be the most
powerful word in the English language
Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can
communicate with it.
CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit
for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find
a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find
shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go
blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and
shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet
shits.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a
shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a
pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than
shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right
shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you
don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other
times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
basic building block of creation.
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of
the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death
occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going,
and going, and going, "Pinkie", as his friends and family knew him,
was alone at the time of his death.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning.
Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute
cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in
backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker
in short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after
she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and
what's yours?"
"I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those
sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he
countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in
June?"
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