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David's Funnies
Buckwheat and Darla are in class, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do
you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla replies, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher praises, "Very good, now use the word in a sentence."
Darla responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
Then, the teacher asks, "How do you spell 'stupid'?"
Darla replies, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher praises, "Very good, now use the word in a sentence."
Darla responds, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Next, the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "How do you spell
'dictate'?"
Buckwheat replies, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher praises, "Very good, now use the word in a sentence."
Buckwheat responds, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says
my dictate good!"
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get prescriptions.
Only in America... do we order a double cheese burger, a large fry, and
a diet coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.
Darrin, Tony, and John are enjoying themselves at a local strip joint
when one of the dancers starts shaking her stuff in front of them.
Cool Darrin pulls out a $20 bill from his wallet, licks it, and then sticks
it on her butt cheek.
Tony decides to show up Darrin so he pulls out a $50 bill from his wallet,
licks it, and then sticks it on her other butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, John pulls out his bank card, swipes it down the crack
of her ass, and then puts the $20 bill and the $50 bill in his wallet.
Grandma's Panties
Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties.
The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless
panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home.
When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed
down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said: "Come on grandpa,
you want some of this?"
Grandpa said "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a
statue of a nude male.
"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about
it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he
stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied,
" Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the
bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of
the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a
day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting
the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"
Bill and Marla had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that
the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to
report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought,
spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance
just drove by." A few moments passed. "Matt's riding a new bike," he called
out, "it looks like the Andersons have company, and the Coopers are having
sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
asked.
The son replied, "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!"
A computer consultant was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"
and "her".
He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer
that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women and the second of men.
Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give
4 reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
MEN DON'T LISTEN...
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but
each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his
predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned
him not to press any of the buttons. There, next to the paper roll, were
four buttons marked respectively: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
When his curiosity got the best of him, he made the mistake that soooooooo
many men make of not listening to a woman, and he disregarded what she'd
said. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of
Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. "WOW," he thought, "these gals really
have it nice." So, a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button. Body
temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha," he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom
with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, with
anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his
bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached
out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in
confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened.
He related that his last recollection was intense pain in the ladies room
on the plane.
"Yes," the nurse explained, "you must have been having a great time until
you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is
under your pillow."
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to
meet the chief.
The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give
you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What
is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers
something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off
the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each
other figuring, "Typical white man can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and
whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off
and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their
heads figuring, "Typical white man going to die tomorrow and can only think
of one thing."
On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man.
What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears,
twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
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