|
David's Funnies
Three construction workers are sitting around on lunch one day discussing
how dumb their girlfriends are.
The Irishman says, "My girlfriend is so dumb that it takes her over two
hours to watch 60 minutes!"
The Frenchman says, "That's pretty dumb, but get this -- my girlfriend
thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company!"
The Italian man says, "Your girlfriends are all dumb, but I got you both
beat. Every year my girlfriend and I take separate vacations, and, every
year she packs a box of condoms. Well, talk about stupid... she doesn't even
have a penis!"
Irish Intelligence Test: Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Languages:
What language is spoken in France?
2. History:
Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference
to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first
name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature:
Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Metric Conversion:
How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
5. Physics:
What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is
on the 5?
6. Religion:
How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)
7. Geography:
What are people who live in the north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
8. American History:
Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton
9. European History:
Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George
the Sixth. Name the previous five.
10. Natural Science:
Where does rain come from?
(a) Tesco
(b) 7-11 shop
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
11. Advanced Physics:
Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
12. Philosophy:
What are coat hangers used for?
13. Physics:
Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.
14. Architecture:
Where is the basement in a three story building located?
15. Advanced math:
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
16. Communications:
What does BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he's wallowing in despair,
he has his first meeting with a demon.
"Why so glum?" asks the demon.
"Why do you think? I'm in hell, aren't I!"
"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here," explains
the demon. "You a drinking man?"
"Sure, I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then because all we do on Mondays is drink
whiskey, tequila, and scotch."
"Gee, that sounds great!" reckons the man.
"And you're gonna love Tuesdays because we get the finest cigars from
all over the world and we smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer it's no
big deal because, heck, you're already dead!"
"Wow, that's awesome!" reckons the man.
"And on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt it's no big deal because, heck,
you're already dead!"
"Gee, that sounds great too!" reckons the man.
"Thursdays is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke
a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want because,
heck, you're already dead!"
"Wow, I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" reckons the man.
"Are you gay?" asks the demon.
"No..."
"Ooooh," the demon grimaces, "then you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Chinese Proverbs
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to visit her grandmother in the
forest when her mother said, "You shouldn't be out tonight, Little Red Riding
Hood, because the Big Bad Wolf is out and you know what he'll do... he'll
lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw
your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry, Mom,
I've got it covered."
So. off Little Red Riding Hood went walking through the forest.
Soon, she came across the three little pigs. One of the little pigs ran
out of from the brick house and warned, "You shouldn't be out tonight, Little
Red Riding Hood, because the Big Bad Wolf is out and you know what he'll
do... he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties
and screw your little red socks off."
Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her shotgun and said, "Don't worry,
boys, I've got it covered."
Sure enough, as Little Red Riding Hood continued through the forest, she
came across the Big Bad Wolf.
He roared, "You shouldn't have come out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood,
because you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to lift up your little red
dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks
off."
To the Big Bad Wolf's surprise, Little Red Riding Hood lifted up her little
red dress, pulled down her little red panties, and lay down on her back with
her legs spread apart. Then, she pointed the shotgun at the Big Bad Wolf
and said, "Actually, if you know what’s good for you, you're going to
eat me like the book says."
Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on
a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip,
and then throws the bottle over the bridge.
The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle
of vodka!"
The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from
his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the
bridge.
The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was
a perfectly good joint!"
The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
Now, the American doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through
his pockets but he can't find anything.
He looks around for a moment, then grabs the Puerto Rican and throws him
over the bridge.
The Russian exclaims, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The American replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."
The Pope and Bill Clinton died on the same day. Bill went to Heaven and
the Pope went to Hell.
The pope approached the Devil and exclaimed, "There must be some mistake!
I've never sinned in my life!"
The Devil checked through his list and replied, "You're absolutely right!
You and Bill should trade places!"
As Bill and the Pope were passing each other on the escalators between
Heaven and Hell, the Pope remarked,
"I can't wait to see the Virgin Mary!"
Replied Bill, "You're twelve hours too late!"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack,
I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger
and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and
produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright
pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have
to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds
the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this
as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
(Prepare yourselves)
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The Fairy Godmother
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life,
A Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill 3 Wishes for
her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be Rich."
POOF:
The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess."
POOF:
The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young
Princess,
With a priceless Crown of Jewels.
"Your Third Wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's Dog
raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful Dog into a Handsome Prince?"
POOF:
There, in front of the Old Woman, who has now turned into a Beautiful
Princess,
Stood the most Handsome Young Man anyone had ever seen.
More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his
lips across her ear as he whispered,
"I'll bet you're sorry you had me Neutered."
Over drinks one afternoon, John and Paul were discussing former loves.
John explained that he once broke up with a girl long ago because she seemingly
had an incurable speech impediment. Paul remarked, "I'm shocked. I never knew
you were prejudiced against handicaps. What was the her problem?"
John took another sip from his drink, then paused and reflected, "She
couldn't say 'yes'."
Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers
Dirtydavid also brings you dirty-david.co.uk, the home of the
genuine UK swinger. For other genuine UK swinging sites check out
http://genuine-london-swingers.com
or if you live in the northwest try
http://manchester-swingers.com . Next time you are heading for Spain on
holiday, and want to meet with some genuine Spanish swingers, try
http://swingers-in-spain.com . If
you are heading for the United States of America and want to meet genuine
American swingers try
http://123couples.com or for
genuine Canadian swingers try
http://dirtydavid.ca . When looking for
genuine Australian Swingers try
http://swingdownunder.com
|