David's Funnies

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This blokes in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning.

Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.

"Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push??"

"no, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a twat. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off??"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

and the reply comes back "I'm over here on the swings."

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer. And observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Patrick had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Patrick, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Patrick explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here. Once again, Patrick had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Patrick explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

• Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.

• Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

• BoBo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

• Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

• Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

• What's this doing here?

• What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change!

• Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Q. What's the worst thing about being an atheist?

A. There's no one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.

An old man had a doctor's appointment and was very hard of hearing so he took his wife with him to help. When they got into the examining room, the Doctor told the old man to take off his shirt. The old man turned to the wife and shouted, "What did he say?" and the wife got closer in his ear and yelled, "Take your shirt off!"

The old man nodded and took his shirt off. The Doctor then asked the old man to tilt his head back so that he could have a better look down his throat. The old man shouted, "What?" and the the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "Tilt your head back and open your mouth." The old man nodded and tilted his head back.

When this was all over, the Doctor said, "OK, now all I need is a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. The old man yelled, "What?" and the wife got closer to his ear and yelled, "The Doctor wants your underpants!"

BRILLIANT INSULTS!!

• No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign over mirror in Men's restroom)

• I wouldn't piss in your ear if your brain was on fire.

• You wouldn't know your ass from a hole in the ground.

• I have a feeling that you came from a wad your mom should have swallowed!!

• Your dick is so small you piss on your balls.

• Shut up or I'll stick my hand in my pocket and strangle your father.

• 80 million sperm and yours had to be the one that made it.

• After meeting you I've definitely changed my opinion on birth control.

• I would have been your father but the guy in front of me had correct change.

• I would have been your father but the dog beat me up the stairs.

• Nice face....What are you gonna' do when the baboon wants his ass back?

• Nice face...Wanna' buy a gun?

• You're such a smart-ass I'll bet you could sit on a block of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.

• If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart.

• You're the first case where the baby died and the afterbirth lived.

• If I wanted some comeback I'd wipe it off your chin.

• I'd beat the shit out of you if I wasn't afraid it'd fill up the room.

• If I wanted shit from you I'd squeeze your head.

• If I had a dog that looked like you I'd shave it's ass and make it walk backwards.

• Ah, the flowering beauty of a maturing woman...You must be the stem.

• WOW! You're a legend...in your own mind.

• I guess you prove that even God makes mistakes sometimes.

• (To be said to an attractively challenged person).... Hey dream boat...(When they turn around)...Not you ship wreck!

• When you were born the doctor slapped your mother.

• You're calling me gay...Tell you what, why don't you and your sister (or mother)bend over and see which one I fuck first.

• If I had a brother like you I'd put myself up for adoption.

• You remind me of opium...a slow working dope.

• I would beat you up but I have a problem with cruelty to animals.

• When God was handing out brains you must have been holding the door.

• You're half a genius---an IQ of 75.

• You're so lazy, even if you woke up with nothing to do today you'd still go to bed with it only half done.

• You're so dull you couldn't cut a fart.

• You're so weak you couldn't pull a greasy stick out of a dog's ass.

• When I want your opinion I'll rattle your cage.

• Nice teeth, I bet you could chew corn through a fence with those.

• I saw him earlier -- he was in the bathroom getting a drink of water -- and the seat fell and hit him on the head.

• Well, I'll see you in my dreams...if I eat too much.

• You're the best at all you do...and all you do is make people hate you.

• When you get run over by a car it won't be listed under "accidents." All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

• I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

• Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in this world already without you working so hard to give us another?

• When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of death was, I'll say your stupidity.

• Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

• I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.

• I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of the police station while she turned herself in.

• No one should be punished for an accident, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.

• Yours was an unnatural birth -- You came from a human being.

• You're a habit I'd like to kick -- With both feet.

• Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- In your skull?

• I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

• I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.

• At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your head.

• If you ever tax your brain don't charge more than a penny.

• I don't consider you a vulture -- I consider you something a vulture would eat.

• I think you should live for the moment -- After that I doubt I'll think so.

• I believe in respect for the dead -- In fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead!

• You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.

• I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.

• Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

• When you were a baby you were so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

• When your IQ raises to 28, sell.

• You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

• Don't tell me how to do my job -- I don't come down to the whore house and tell you how to do yours!

 

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