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David's Funnies
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning
tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And
how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like
this...Damn! There goes another one!"
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed:
They ran out of scaffolding.
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something
wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan
lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure,
and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap
who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And
when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots
as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye
say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy,
"Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
Paddy and Mick were approaching a Londonderry pub which had been destroyed
by a Protestant bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out
of the smouldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped,
picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean
Murphy?"
"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy
was taller than that."
How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
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