David's Funnies

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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it didn't work. After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home, she said "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please? To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?" Jane said nothing.

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course, replied, "Do you see 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" Right! John replied, "Do you see 'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"

Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbour next door." John asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?" Jane laughed and said, "He didn't charge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or we could trade it out in sex."

To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of "goodies" did you bake for him?" And Jane said proudly while displaying the front of her shirt,

"Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here anywhere?"

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.

"Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"

"Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."

(This is actually taken from a medical journal!)

Mrs X

Mrs X went to the doctor because she was constipated.

"Well, do you do anything about it?" he enquired.

"Of course I do, doctor, I sit there for hours."

" No, no Mrs X, I mean, do you take anything?"

"Oh yes doctor, I takes my knitting."

A few from my Medical files

It is amazing what the medical profession will write. These are actual statements taken from medical interview records written by various

paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals.

• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

• Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. She is numb from her toes down.

• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

• The skin was moist and dry.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

• Patient was alert and unresponsive.

• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Doctor joke

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I'll bet your an anaesthesiologist."

Male Doctor, "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female Doctor, "I didn't feel a thing."

Vasectomy

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah,... and they're in favour 15 to 2.

This is GROSS!

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what colour the baby is as it's being born."

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why? Don't you know what colour the child is going to be?" "Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." "Okay", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head! It seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?" "Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. "Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?" "Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're very fair. Was one of the actors Norwegian?" "Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the backside. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying. "Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to neigh!"

In Medical School, we were required to rotate through Psychiatry and spend a service at one of the local mental institutions. One of the most interesting cases I saw involved a schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder. At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in World War II. The consensus of the my instructors was that ... the fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring.

Medical Matters

In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

FRENCH GYNAE: Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon.

ENGLISH GYNAE: Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big. My god, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was.

FRENCH GYNAE: Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size. I was talkeeng about ze flavour.

 

 

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