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David's Funnies
Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue
had to call up his two friends to I.D. the body.
The mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass said, "Nope,
that ain't Bubba."
Jim-Bob left the room and then Billy-Joe was asked to I.D. the body. The
mortician pulled back the sheet, and Billy-Joe said, "Yep, he's burnt pretty
bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked
at his ass said, "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"He what..." asked the puzzled mortician.
"Yep, everyone in town knew he had two assholes 'cause every time the
three of us went to town, people would always say, 'Here comes Bubba with
them two assholes!'"
In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's
penis was larger than the shaft. After one year of research and a cost of
$180,000, they concluded the reason the head was larger than the shaft was
to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After Duke published their study, Stanford decided to do their own study.
After three years of research and a cost of $250,000, they concluded the
reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure
during sex.
The University of Saskatchewan, in mid-west Canada, was unsatisfied with
these findings, so they conducted their own study. After three weeks of research
and a cost of $52.47 CND, they concluded the reason the head was larger than
the shaft was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the
forehead.
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several
weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted
rest and relaxation, and had made it to Southampton, England, to board a
train bound for a few days in London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train,
looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from
a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little
Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train,found himself again facing the
woman with the dog in the opposite seat.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked
if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude
and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."
Without warning, the soldier leaned over, picked up the little dog, and
tossed it out the window of the moving train. Then, he sat down in the empty
seat next to the speechless woman.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle, motioned and remarked,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and
asked her to go to Germany and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied "Just send me a postcard and write "sauerkraut" on the back".
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to
Germany.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today. I don't understand what it means,"
The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain
it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell
to the floor with a heart attack and died. So the wife picked up the card
and it read: "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - Two with wieners,
two without".
A young man walked into the local drugstore to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist then told the young man about the selection, and said, "The
condoms come in packages of 3, 9 or 12. How many are you looking for?"
"Well," he boasted in an overly confident manner, "I've been seeing this
girl for a while and she's really hot. I need some condoms because I think
tonight's the night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And, I've
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that... once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man made his purchase and left the store, all puffed up and
proud.
Later that evening, he sat down to dinner with his girlfriend and he met
her parents for the first time. He politely asked if he might give the blessing,
and they all agreed.
When he had finished the prayer, the young man continued praying to himself
for several minutes as the other began eating.
Afterwards, the girl leaned over and said, "You never told me that you
were such a religious person."
He leaned over to her and replied, "You never told me that your father
is a pharmacist."
A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance
that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge, and cars are backed
up for miles.
Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his
cruiser and walks around to the truck driver.
He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck,
huh?"
The trucker replies sarcastically, "No, officer, actually I was delivering
this bridge and I ran out of gas!"
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I'm lonely. And, I'm sick to death of apples!"
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego, and an inability to empathize or listen to you. All in all, he'll give
you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you.
He'll be extremely gifted at fighting and hunting fleet-footed ruminants,
and not all that bad 'in the sack' if you know what I'm saying."
"That sounds wonderful," says Eve, with curiosity.
"Yes, well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick... Eve,
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
CORPORATE LESSONS
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed
the crow, and asked, "Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight,
there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the
turkey out of the tree.
Moral Of The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The
brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses
and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get
him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and
earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up
and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the
feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered.
Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just
sat and passed out the shit!
Moral Of The Story: You don't need brains to be a Boss -- any asshole
will do.
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels
bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette
into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of
milk, and then took a seat at the counter.
Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate
of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly
thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man,
is he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed
his truck over three motorcycles."
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry,
and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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