David's Funnies

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Women Vs. Men

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings itto the couch.

Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers,

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.

They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Wang?

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother.

Little Johnny's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls over 6 year old Little Johnny and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Little Johnny is losing interest in the conversation, so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Little Johnny and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses.

Little Johnny reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.

Grandpa, pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again he tells Little Johnny to take one of the bills and keep it.

Little Johnny grabs the other ten.

Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Little Johnny over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Little Johnny is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Little Johnny chooses the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa finally shows the stunt to his Daddy. Little Johnny's Daddy is quite surprised, but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.

A few hours later, Daddy who is very concerned about Little Johnny's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

"Of course," answers Little Johnny.

"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty," asks Dad.

Little Johnny, with a wide smile answers, "Well Dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"

Bill and Hillary were married 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why you keep the empty cans in the box."

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty.

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

The Defective Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion,"

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer,"

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot,  "but it's about your wife and the mailman"

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy."Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down,"

The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I got a hard-on and I fell off my perch."

THE RODEO POSITION

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first guy says his favourite position is "The Rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is and how to do it. The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear,

"Your sister likes this position, too..."

"Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department. They said that since there was no health threat, he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me, anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'Holy cow -- look at all the fucking Indians'."

 

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