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David's Funnies
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS - While casually walking down the street heading
towards school this morning, Billy Joe, 16 years old, found a styrofoam
penis hidden within the grass at the public playground. Apparently, fellow
students at his high school saw the object as a dildo, and proceeded to yell
cruel words like "Eeew! Faggot!" and "You stupid butt-pirate!", followed
by a massive group gay hate beating of poor Billy Joe. "Geez," comments Billy
Joe, "I learned my lesson. If I see something that looks like a dickie laying
on the ground, I know better now that to go and pick it up. It just ain't
worth it, man"
According to his parents, they have donated the trouble-making styrofoam
penis to a fitting charity, entitled: "Girls Who Are Too Ugly To Ever Get
Any, And Are Too Poor To Afford Dildos"
TOKYO, JAPAN - Taka Hakayuki is a thinker. One of his thoughts recently,
however, has landed him in jail with the local authorities. "Ah jus', wanna
see if de bullet train was as fas' as a real bullet!" whines Taka. "I haf
to make experiment!"
Apparently, Judge Mika Yukoyuki didn't buy Taka's explanation that his
experiment of firing several bullet rounds at the train was scientifically
sound, and sentenced him to life in prison for killing an old lady who was
probably going to die any second anyways.
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So
he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he
can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground
floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts
masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground
floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand
saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm
coming!"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if
you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know
Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred
buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred
bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly
thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while
longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them.
I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them
together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck,
why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop
a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up
to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Ahh good, did he drop off
the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the
definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have
a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's
gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies
"If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct
either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question
you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely
shit my pants."
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for
ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts.
The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went
for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during
her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning
of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man
has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.
If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most
likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a
patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not
paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a
shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the
loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but
I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come
out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking
it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee
Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger,
but I like the way you're thinking!"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away
from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect
at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so
I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford
3 weddings, so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to
go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night
the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then
she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went
to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always
told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing
so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you
should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why
was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk
with my mouth full."
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