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David's Funnies
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've
got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you
food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and
added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night,
the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every
night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the
captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the
ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's
taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island
Ferry.'
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and
their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy
asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a
pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly
opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father
doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse
magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the
vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about
asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled
by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?",
Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to
good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked
"Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and
boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my
dick this way!"
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and
they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy,
mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich."
Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they
were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple
of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy,
Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over
her mouth!!!"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your
thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,
barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One
smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and
the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and
said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to
push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby
has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were
pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's
body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says.
"Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a
try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will
be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black
legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so
I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps
the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and
asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white
body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"
One day little Susie was playing with her friends in her neighbor, Mrs.
Wilson's backyard. Susie's friends accidentally kicked the ball into Mrs.
Wilson's rose bushes. Susie ran to get it but she got a pricked in her hand
by the thorns on the bush.
Susie ran to Mrs. Wilson to ask for help and said, "Mrs. Wilson, please,
I need cider right away!!!!" Mrs. Wilson didn't know why she wanted cider
but got her some anyway. She poured it into a cup and ran to give it to Susie.
Susie said, "NO, I need the cider in a large bowl, not a cup!!!!!" Mrs. Wilson
went back and put the cider into a bowl and Susie quickly put her hand into
it.
Mrs. Wilson HAD TO ask her.... She said, "Susie, why on earth are you
putting your hand into cider???!!!"
Susie replied, "Well, I heard my older sister say that whenever she has
a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
Three guys were sitting in a bar, talking. One was a doctor, one was a
lawyer, and one was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said,
"You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a
new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will
at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied, "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas.
I figured that if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the
trip, and she would know that I love her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah? Well,
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a T-shirt and a vibrator. I figured
that if she didn't like the T-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
A guy with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down
in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black
eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black
eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours? "
The first guy answers, "Well, it just happened. It was a freudian slip.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest
breasts in the world was behind the counter. So, instead of saying I'd like
a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." She socked
me one.
The other guy answers, "Mine was a Freudian slip too. I was at the breakfast
table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."
But I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you fucking bitch."
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