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David's Funnies
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom
door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror,
on my door, make my bust-line forty-four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grow to
enormous proportions. Excited, she runs to tell her husband what happened.
A few minutes later, they both return to the bathroom.
This time, the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on
the door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there is a bright flash and... both his legs fall off.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
Bizarre sex laws
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
(umm ok, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one!)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable
by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense. )
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times (...a brick?????)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder how
they enforce that one??)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover,on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (Why, of course!!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
I shudder at the thought)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (...we have to presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law...?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?)
This is a copy of a letter sent by a man to his creditors.
Dear Scumbags:
7-26-1999
I received your pathetic, ridiculous attempt at legalized extortion yesterday.
Just out of curiosity, what's your cut if you collect? The first thing you
need to realize is that I have no credit record to "protect". My credit rating
is piss-poor, and I have skipped out on bills all over the United States,
West Virginia, and Australia. Your repeated "demands" that I pay your client's
2 year old bill ridicules reality. An unpaid bill only begins to ripen at
3 years, and fully matures into a late payment after 5 years. So quit whining,
and get at the end of a long line of collectors. Your post-paid envelopes
are always appreciated, however I would prefer that you enclose a postage
stamp, which is reusable. Please skip to Form Letter #16. I always find that
one amusing. That's the one where you threaten to put a lien on my home and
car, if I don't pay the $36.17 owed to your client. Be advised that filing
a home lien will cost you $71.50, and a car lien $45.25 in filing fees alone.
Not withstanding that my home and car were repossessed years ago...your arithmetic
STINKS. My motto is : Buy Buy / Bye Bye.
Another Stupid Blonde Joke, But Funny!
A Blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and
sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love
it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this"
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to
fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to
worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what
happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got
higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned
off the big fan."
Ask A Pervert
Q.
I get turned on when someone is degrading me and calling me a bitch. Is
that normal? Sometimes I feel like fucking every guy on this planet. specially
I'm turned on by no-good losers like you, the uglier the better. You don't
think anything is wrong with me, do you?
A.
No, no, not at all. In fact, bitch, lots of guys find girls like you valuable.
I mean, it's not everday you find a cum-sucking gutter slut that loves the
idea of sex from ugly mother fuckers. In fact, I think that if you go public,
you'd get thank-you-cards from a lot of no-good users, like Bill Clinton/Gates,
Janet Reno (oh damn, I keep forgetting she's a female,) Jay Leno (you might
be able to teach him a new 'trick' with his long chin) and other pathetic
geeks. (If you're wondering why I'm making fun of Leno although he's a comedian,
is that he used to be funny, but now he kind of sucks. I guess I should be
making fun of the writers, but Leno is so much easier.)
Q.
Hi there Pervert, I jerk off a couple of times a week, not just because
I like it, but for the simple reason there's no woman to fuck around here.
Anyway, to be honest with you I've never done IT before and I really want
to, you know. So I want to ask you, as a fellow pervert, is it much better
with a girl than with yourself (jerking off-wise)? Please help me out here!
Thanks, Hannibal The Pervert Cannibal
A.
Hell no. Those things are two totally different things (unless your hand
is a vagina, which I seriously doubt, because it's A HAND) Anyways, here's
what I suggest you should do. Find a skinny-ass woman who's really short,
seduce her, and bob her up and down on your lap. That way, it feels like
you're jerking off, but you also go somebody to talk to.
Q.
After many years of jerking off like an insane monkey I got married. I
still jerk off like an insane monkey. Now my wife is pregant. Does this mean
that I should jerkoff more / less / the same ? And Also should I start jerking
off in a different langauage ?
PS ; Thank you for your teachings,pervert, you are making me a more sensitive
human being.
A.
Wait a minute, let me get this straight.....because you're jerking off,
your wife is pregnant? Perhaps, there's something that your ball and chain
isn't telling you, hmmmm? What the fuck do you mean jerk off in a different
language? I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Do you mean like
sign-language or something? People! When you ask questions, I can't help
you unless you make sense, you fucks!
Q.
Okay, i have this guy friend that i share every gory little detail with
and he told me one day that he recieved a tape of a chick giving a stallion
head and he was mimicking the noises the horse was making and i was totally
turned on! Now i can't wait to see this tape! So my question is am i still
a prevert or have i graduated to pervert?
A.
Listen little girl, you don't graduate to a pervert status. It's not like
the principal hands you a dick-diploma and voila, you're a pervert, oh no,
it goes much in depth than that. To be a pervert, you must eat, smell, breath,
see, feel everything, and for each one of those things, somehow, you have
to be able to relate it to a part of the human/animal anatomy, in a believeable
way. Getting turned on by a horsey blowjob is nothing. That's just your curiosity
getting the better of you. Wow! A horse is getting head.......so? Anybody
could say that, but it doesn't make everybody a pervert. Think a little more
deeper, no matter how much it may hurt your head.
Q.
Dear pervert my girl friend does not like to give head but some times
she will if I ask her but I have to go through the 5 minute begging. I promised
not to cum in her mouth but she still cringes at the thought. One time I
just blew one off unexpectedly in her mouth the two times later she just
did it on her own now all of a sudden she won't even do it unless I ask/beg.
Like every man I love a lot of head and I really do love my girl what can
I do. right now I have her cut off from orally gratifying her but that seems
to be ineffective.should I move on to someone less timid....
A.
I was reading in my Big Book of Perverted Thoughts the other day, and
I read an article that says Girls Like To Blow Big Dicks. No surprise there.
What struck me as funny though, was the reason why ladies prefer to suck
a big one, than a tiny olive one. If you got a tiny dick, the girl will almost
feel as if she's sucking on a clit, and that is not good, because straight
girls are scared of becoming lesbians. If you got a huge redwood one, it
makes them feel more like a woman. I reccomend for you, a penile implant.
It might cost a little money, but it's worth it. There is a downside, though.
They're only available in one color,....black.
Q.
There's this girl in school and every time I see her i get an erection
and ejaculate in my pants. So every lunch i have to go home and change. My
mom wonders what I'm doing. Also is it it normal to masterbate and jack off
in the bathroom after kissing a girl.
A.
First of all, if you plan to get any girl at all, you have got to get
a better nickname than tiny. I hope for your sake that you don't need an
explanation. Second, none of this matters to you because of the simple fact
that you will never get a girl in the first place. Bye.
Two nuns were roommates in a convent. One day the head nun was doing a
room check and came into their room. "This is the dirtiest, filthiest room
in the entire convent", she said. "You girls must clean this entire room
and then paint the walls or you will have to clean the bathrooms for 3 months."
She headed for the door but before she left she added one thing: "Oh yeah,
If you get ONE speck of paint on your robes you will both get 20 lashings
and be kicked out on to the street."
The nuns then picked up everything in the room and started to paint. After
several close calls where paint almost got on their robes one of the nuns
suggested that they take off their robes while painting so they wouldn't
get paint on their robes. The other, figuring that they were both respectable
women, agreed.
They locked the door, took off their robes, and proceeded to paint naked.
Just then someone knocked on the door. They rushed to their robes but decided
to see who it was before they went through the lengthy process of putting
their robes back on. "Who is it?" one of the nuns asks. "Blind man" the voice
replies. "Thank God, he's blind" says one of the nuns "As long as we stay
out of touching range this man will never know that we are naked."
… They open the door and the man says "Wow, nice tits...now where
do you want the blinds?"
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.
One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies
suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting
my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because
he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because
he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high
fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm
gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda
pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning,
blonde hitchhiker.
A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless
to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she
could give him some oral pleasure.
Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with
a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet
and clothes, and drove off with his car.
Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping
alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something's help. A short
time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.
"What happened to you?" asked the trucker, with a grin.
The man explained his plight...
The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants
he remarked, "This just ain't been your day, has it boy!"
Men, what do we do with them!!!!
Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear, if we
don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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