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David's Funnies
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the
problem, pal?" "My brother just told me that there's a sperm
bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation." "Yeah,
so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through
my fingers!"
In a busy city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting
for the bus. she was decked out in a tight leather mini-skirt with matching
tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it was her turn
to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come up to the height of the bus's first step. So, slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her and unzipped the skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus, only
to discover she still could not make the step. A little more embarrassed,
she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And
for a second time she attempted the step--and once again, much to her chagrin,
she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little
smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little
more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big
Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist
and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at
him, "How dare you touch my body!! i don't even know who you are!!" At this
the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Bullets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because
it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother.
"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The
mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells
her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the
boy walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee
and a bullet came out."
"No," sobs the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to
them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best
lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders
off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk
comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and
it was swe-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten
minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me."
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
A man is in court for murder and the judge says "You are charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard."
Then the judge continues, "you are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You God damned bastard."
The judge says, "Sir, I can understand your anger in this crime, but we
cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with
contempt!! Now is that a problem?"
Then the man at the back of the court stand up and responds, Fifteen years
I lived next door to that bastard! And every time I asked to borrow a hammer,
he said he never had one!"
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came
face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The
rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make
way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."
An Indian named Brown Elk walked into the saloon. He was a giant of a
man with a six-shooter tucked into his belt, so no one dared ask why he was
carrying a pail of manure in one hand and a small cat in the other.
I'll have a whiskey," he told the bartender, and after downing the shot
Brown Elk ordered another. Then another. Finally, after his fourth drink,
the Indian pulled out his revolver, fired several shots into the bucket,
released the cat, then ran after it.
When he caught it, he returned to the bar. "E-excuse me," said the alarmed
bartender, serving him a drink on the house, "but would you mind telling
me what that was all about?" "My father told me to try and be more like white
man," he answered. "So, I came here to have a few drinks, shoot the shit
and chase a little pussy."
"My, but you look different today Kathy," commented Joanne to her coworker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you
use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"
"No!" replied Kathy. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications,
he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for
people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"
A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's
orders, so he decides to play tennis.
After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see
the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner!
Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"
"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.
"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
Farmer's Woe's
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother
asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any
eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well,"
his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I
saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then,
his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking
into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and
says, "Are you going to tell him, or Should I?"
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