David's Funnies

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A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in MONTANA. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."

She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says,

"I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in MONTANA that says:

Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the US are $.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob`s voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it`s me, "Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed

"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you, Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh that`s wonderful! "So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You`re pitching tomorrow night."

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She explained what had happened, and the older doctor had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 US. leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?

A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the height of conceit?

A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.

During the first week of marriage, two deaf people find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After many nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, if you want to have sex with me when the lights are out, just reach over and squeeze my left breast once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right breast once."

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Okay, and if you want to have sex with me, just reach over and pull on my penis once. And, if you don't want to have sex, just reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.

One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for his checkup.

Afterwards, the doctor took his wife aside and said, "Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do. Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast. Meet him at home each day for lunch so that you can serve him a well balanced meal.

Make sure that you feed him a good hot meal each evening and don't overburden him with any stressful conversation, nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house spotless and clean so that he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied, "He said that you're going to die."

 

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