David's Funnies

---

Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when Someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well Thanks to recent genealogical research, you can now respond In a knowledgeable way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt,
The owner of Needeep N. Schitt, inc. They had a Son, Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply Religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,and The twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her Parents objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, A high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt Divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, And, because her kids were living with them, she Wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known As Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they Produced a son with a rather nervous disposition Named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six Children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were Inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently Married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding annoucement in the newpaper announced The Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens Children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the World. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says " You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Subject: BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE...


 SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
 FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
 ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

 SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
 FAULT: Glass empty.
 ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
 FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.
 ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

 SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
 FAULT: You have fallen forward.
 ACTION: See above.

 SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
 FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
 ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

 SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
 FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
 ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

 SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
 FAULT: You are being carried out.
 ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

 SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
 FAULT: Bar has closed.
 ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

 SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
 FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
 ACTION: Cover mouth.

 SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
 FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
 ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

 SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
 FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
 ACTION: Punch him.

 SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
 FAULT: You have been in a fight.
 ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

 SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you're
in.
 FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
 ACTION: See if they have free beer.

 SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
 FAULT: The beer is too weak.
 ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

 SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
 FAULT: Beer is just right.
 ACTION: Play air guitar.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

The George Carlin Theory:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A  Death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. 

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm."

A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.

He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best.  One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."  

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"Wow, that really helped.  Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot the cufflink off the piano player.

"This is really helping me.  Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young man didn't hesitate but started putting the grease just on the barrel of the gun.  "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Hell's delights

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Some of these are priceless!!!

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34 Ellerslie, MD

Strip Mall
My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day.
We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless.
At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative on-lookers.
Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35,Lathrop, CA

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld

The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":

Priceless:
One of the funniest, most embarrassing-moment stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody
at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS".

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. 

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom." She screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

LIFE'S A TEST  - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE

At age 4, success is... not peeing  in your pants.
 At age 12, success is... having  friends.
     At age 16, success is... having  a driver's licence.
        At  age 20, success is... having  sex.
          At  age 35, success is... having  money.
          At  age 50, success is... having  money.
       At age 60, success  is... having sex.
     At age 70, success  is... having a driver's licence.
  At age 75, success is...  having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!  He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.  They search  the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

A Dog named Mace

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. 

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. 

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the heavens and proclaimed......  

......."A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Beer Coat:  The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.

Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhea that you get when abroad.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy or Rusty Water: Diarrhea.

Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

Fuck Shit Fuck Shit Fuck Shit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail, or Spuphemism: A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

 

---

Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

Dirtydavid also brings you dirty-david.co.uk, the home of the genuine UK swinger. For other genuine UK swinging sites check out http://genuine-london-swingers.com or if you live in the northwest try http://manchester-swingers.com . Next time you are heading for Spain on holiday, and want to meet with some genuine Spanish swingers, try http://swingers-in-spain.com . If you are heading for the United States of America and want to meet genuine American swingers try http://123couples.com or for genuine Canadian swingers try http://dirtydavid.ca . When looking for genuine Australian Swingers try http://swingdownunder.com