David's Funnies

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Taken from The British Medical Journal,  3Q 1998

A man staggered into the local hospital's A&E in Sacramento, CA, and asked to see a male nurse.  He told the receptionist he was adamant that thenurse be male.  After an excruciating hours wait, he was called into a side ward and asked what was wrong.  He sheepishly undid his coat, and pulled down his trousers, to reveal a mass of bloodied bandages.  The nurse proceeded to unravel the bandages, which revealed a huge gash in the mans genital area, with a swelling the size of a grapefruit to the left.  The testicular area was black and swollen, and had an obvious infection.

After being gently cleaned, an x-ray revealed the source of infection.
Fifteen inch-long metal objects were clearly seen on the x-ray, scattered about the internal genital region.   Only one testicle remained, which was grossly swollen.

The metal objects were removed under a local anaesthetic, and sutures applied to the deep abrasions.

Clean surgical dressings were applied and the patient was kept in overnight for observation.

The next day the same male nurse gently coaxed the story from the man.  It happened he was a lonely bachelor, working in a machinery factory which made supermarket checkouts.  He was living on his own and had an insatiable rubber fetish, and at lunchtimes when the factory floor was empty, he took up the practice of masturbating on the automatic rubber belt of the checkout while it was running.

On the day of the accident, he began his usual practice, and as he neared ejaculation, he lost his balance and his testicles were sucked under the side of the belt.  

Realizing he had had quite a serious accident, but did not want to admit to what had happened, he found an industrial stapler and stapled the gaping wounds together himself.  

Obviously the metal staples set in a severe infection, and after four agonizing days, decided he could stand the pain no more.

On compiling this report, I can only wonder what happened to the other testicle, and I sincerely hope he gave up this unusual form of self-gratification.

A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he is talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asks if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man says, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returns, she says, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars, as big bears often do.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells.

• "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

• It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

• It was Mummy Bear who woke up everybody else in the house.  

• It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. 

• It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and the wood for the fire.  

• It was Mummy Bear who set the table.

• It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.  And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time ..."

"I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"

 

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving
in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Comprehending IT - Take One

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending IT - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The IT guy said, "I like both."

"Both?"

The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have both a wife and a mistress, they'll each assume you're spending time with the other woman. That way you can
go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending IT - Take Three

An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

 

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