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David's Funnies
Ever had a day where you needed this diet?
Dear Friends:
Since we all lead very stressful lives, we all need to follow this diet.
This is a specially-formulated diet designed to help women cope with the
stress that builds during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss
AFTERNOON SNACK
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family-size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER:
"Stressed" spelled backward is"desserts"
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10
pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds
immediately.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and
darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain
and whine even more about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural
crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make
sure it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom
to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"
sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates".
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash face, then armpits.
Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding
area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the
whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah
baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking
blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of
the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of
a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap
mark on his cheek.
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The blonde thought - "That
rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his
hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
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The fat lady thought - "That
dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked
him".
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Bill Clinton thought - "George
put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
-
George Bush thought - "I hope
there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again".
A woman is in bed with her lover, who
also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours
and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it
is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing
her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm
so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm
happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds
terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her
lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That
was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks
of
delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so
grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's
office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When
she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest
work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ''What was your first
reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye
on the wall?''
''Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''
Two
men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a
contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of
gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the
contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the
attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess
right, you
win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
"Come back soon and
try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get
gas. When
they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest
was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a
number between 1-10,
if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant.
"Come back soon and
try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second
man, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice
last week."
Subject:
TRUE STORY.
There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit
is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".
The
publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.
Her address is:-
Miss Lucy Likes
The Cockwell Inn
Tillit Herts.
Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers
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