David's Funnies

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Between the age of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa,
She is half discovered, half wild.
 
Between the age of 20 - 30 a woman is like America,
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.
 
Between the age of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan,
"Very hot, wise and beautiful".
 
Between the age of 35 - 40 a woman is like France,
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.
 
Between the age of 40 - 50 she is like Germany,
She lost the war but not the hope.
 
Between the age of 50 - 60 she is like Russia,
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.
 
Between the age of 60 - 70 a woman is like England,
With a glorious past but no future.
 
After 70, she becomes Siberia,
Everyone knows where is it, but no one wants to go there.

He said	Want a quickie?
She said.	As opposed to what?
He said.	I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said	You wear briefs, don't you?
He said	Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way
She said	Well, you succeeded.
He said	'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'
She said	Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too'
He said.	Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said	Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.
He said	Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said	I would, but you're never here.
He said	"Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said	"That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

    

Rules on being a man!

1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them or already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. THREE WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak; sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. LIE I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back... Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember that every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. Beer. Then more beer.
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?! I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Depeche Mode, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. 81. Beer. Then more beer.

19 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN ...

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours go.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but...."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house in the empty lot. The young family's six-year-old naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.  The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring the fucking wood," replied the little girl

 

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