David's Funnies

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Some tough questions...

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

• Do pilots take crash-courses?

• Does killing time damage eternity?

• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

• Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

• Did Noah keep his bees in ark-hives?

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

• How can there be self-help "groups"?

• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

• Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

• How many weeks are there in a light year?

• Do jellyfish get wind from eating jellybeans?

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?

• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

• If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?

• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

• If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

• If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

• If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out

• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

• Day light savings time? Why are they saving it, and where do they keep it?

• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

• If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

• If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing   "Happy Birthday?"

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID, that he just whipped out a quarter?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Subject: Alcohol warning labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Do you know that you can buy Viagra over the counter now provided you use it's chemical name...... Mycoxafloppin.

 

What's the difference between oral and anal sex?  Well oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your hole weak!

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A little boy was out with his dad one day and saw a dead fly on the ground. '' Why do flies lay on their back with their legs in the air ?''  asked the boy.

'' Well son'' said his father  '' they lay like that so Jesus can take them up to heaven''

''Oh'' said the little boy,''that must be right because  I saw mummy on the bed yesterday with her legs in the air and she was calling '' I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming''  and she would have gone daddy if uncle Fred hadn't  been holding her down''.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours"

BUTTERCUPS .  .  .

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden .  .  . POOF!  In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?  Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.

"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Harry yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For Christ's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

The Ventriloquist

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into the village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun...........

Ventriloquist: "Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: "Yes"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to  protect me  from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar"

 

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