David's Funnies

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1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3) Women "never" have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7) Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8) Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12) Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13) Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14) Women think all beer is the same.

15) Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

16) Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.  

17) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.  

18) Women brush their hair before bed.  

19) Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.  

20) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.  

21) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?  

22) Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"  

23) Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.  

24) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.  

25) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.  

It's Good to Be a Man!

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can be president.

• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

• The world is your urinal.

• You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too "yucky".

• Same work...  more pay.

• Wrinkles add character.

• Wedding Dress £5000; Suit rental £100.

• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

• One mood, ALL the time.

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

• You know stuff about tanks.

• A five-day Break requires only one suitcase.

• You can open all your own jars.

• Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

• You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

• You can kill your own food.

• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

• Your underwear is £9.95 for a three-pack.

• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

• Everything on your face stays its original color.

• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You don't have to tidy your flat if the cleaner is coming.

• You can quietly watch a game with a mate for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

• You don't mooch off other's desserts.

• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• You never have "strap" problems in public.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You don't have to shave below your neck.

• Your belly usually hides your big hips.

• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Damn good to be a man...........

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. 

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, golf, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

   

Confucius Says : 

• Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. 

• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. 

• One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby. 

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car. 

• It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends. 

• If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge. 

• A man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. 

• I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. 

• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

• I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. 

• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 

• Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. 

• By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. 

• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 

• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 

• Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. 

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck.

One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

William Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

William J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Slick Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend.

Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you  If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.


Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.


Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!

Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten To cook him a nice meal

• He said... Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what? 

• He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? 

• He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money. 

• She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. 

• He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. 

• He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.' She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too' 

• He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen' 

• On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere' Written just below it: 'I do not' 

• He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror. 

• He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 

• He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. 

• He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex. She said...Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick. 

• He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

MOODS OF A WOMAN

      An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
      a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
      she's afraid of a wasp,
      will scream at a mouse,
      but will tackle her boyfriend
      alone in the house.

      Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
      she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
      she'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
      she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
      at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
      she'll hate you like poison,
      and love you like mad.


      MOODS OF A MAN

      Horny
      Hungry
      Thirsty
      Sleepy

How do you keep a Irishman busy for the day?

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I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist.............
and when we have real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Send this to all the women you know and brighten their day.....

• Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

• Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

• Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

• Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

• Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

• Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

• Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically un patrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

• Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

• After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but there's no f*cking way you're going to go there
  

 

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Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

Dirtydavid also brings you dirty-david.co.uk, the home of the genuine UK swinger. For other genuine UK swinging sites check out http://genuine-london-swingers.com or if you live in the northwest try http://manchester-swingers.com . Next time you are heading for Spain on holiday, and want to meet with some genuine Spanish swingers, try http://swingers-in-spain.com . If you are heading for the United States of America and want to meet genuine American swingers try http://123couples.com or for genuine Canadian swingers try http://dirtydavid.ca . When looking for genuine Australian Swingers try http://swingdownunder.com