David's Funnies

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A woman went to a pet shop  and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.  There was a sign on the cage that said £5.00.

"Why so little?," she asked the  pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "This bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this,  but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam."   The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the  situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hello Keith"

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said "Mommy, where's my booger?"

ONE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

TWO

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIX

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. 

"My God!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" 

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. 

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. 

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there ...." 

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 3 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

EIGHT

A blind guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" 

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. Sure, I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a professional tri-athlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2" and 220; she's an ex-pro wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a black belt in karate.

Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid:

A few clowns short of a circus.
Not the crispiest Dorito in the bag.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow  his nose.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.

Subject: "The Fly"

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.  Since it  had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.

She ate and  ate...and  then...she ate some more!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.  She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
                  
Dead Fly.

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh*t."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only four parachutes.

The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died." So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and one of America's potential future Presidents." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W Bush, says, "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute."

The boy replies, "No problem your holiness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.

"No problem sir," says the girl behind the desk. "That'll be £1 per word."

Nodding slowly, the old man writes: 'Doris is dead' on a piece of paper, and forlornly passes it back to the girl.

"Is that all you want to put in it?" asks the girl.

The pensioner looks at her with sad eyes. "I'm afraid I only have £3, my dear," he says, and begins to shuffle out of the door.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the girl says she'll speak to the editor and see if she can get him a special deal.

"Wait here and I'll see if we can work something out."

Moments later she returns from the editor's office, grinning broadly.

"Good news," she says. "The editor says you can have another £3-worth of words."

Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for a moment.

Shakily, he then writes: "Doris is dead. Metro for sale.

Poetry Contest


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

 

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