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David's Funnies
THE
MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE: DRINK
17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Milky tea
AGE: SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
AGE: FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
AGE: DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 tongue
25 breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.
AGE: FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 ménage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE: WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE: IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature in the City.
25 Split the bill before we go back to my place
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 June Whitfield.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE: DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Sweet Sherry
AGE: EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE: FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
AGE: DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Burger King
25 Free meal
35 A diamond
48 A bigger diamond
66 Home Alone
AGE: FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
AGE: WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
AGE: IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
*** New Alcohol Warnings ***
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-artwatch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of- the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, "he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
007 tuts, taps his watch and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
First grade class comes in from playground. Teacher asks "Alice What did you do at break?"
Alice says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says "that's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie
She does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at break. Billy says, "I played with Alice in the sand box." Teacher says, "Good. if you write 'Box" correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Sahib Patel what he did at break.
He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "here put these on".
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers" she said.
"That's right" said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the trousers in this family".
With that she flipped him her knickers and said "try these on". He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his knees.
"Hell", he said "I can't get into your knickers"!
She replied "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your fucking attitude changes"
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail,
his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbour came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a
bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe.
The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He
could hardly keep eye contact.
She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor.
"What do you think my best feature is?"
Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears."
"What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?"
"Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? well, that was me..."
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. "Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike".
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
*** I've Learnt ***
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arseholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits (not both).
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Penis Request ***
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I plunge head first into everything I do
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
*You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
* You do not take initiative
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
* You'll retire well before reaching 65
* You're unable to work double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
The Management.
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is
marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to
sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house. The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow traveling through," answered the
farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?" "Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn.
The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.
A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn't, said the farmer.
The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer. Her father answered, "He left several hours ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye, after all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!"
What?" shouted the father. "He fucked you ?" The farmer ran out into the front yard with his gun, looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you; you fucked my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, "I laid the old laDEE, too!"
So that is how yodelling came about.
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit herself!
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her
neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love
you. "After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson is sat at home watching TV one morning when he receives a phone call,
"Hello boss, it's David Beckham."
"Yes David, what can I do for you?"
"Well boss, Posh has gone out and bought me a jigsaw to do. The problem is, though, none of the pieces fit together, it's impossible"
"What's it supposed to be?"
"The picture on the box is of a tiger, but like I said it's impossible, it's really doing my head in now, if I don't get finished by Saturday I don't think that I'll be able to concentrate on the game."
Ferguson starts to panic now, "I tell you what David, bring it round here and we'll both have a go."
"Cheers boss, that brilliant"
About half an hour later Beckham turns up at Fergusons house with his jigsaw under his arm. They walk into the kitchen, and Beckham tips the pieces on to the table. Ferguson looks down at the table and then at Beckham,
"David, put the Frosties back in the box."
Two Essex girls were walking past a church. One of them started to read the gravestones.
"Oh, WOW!" she said. "This bloke was a hundred and sixty-eight!"
"Blimey! What was his name?" asked her friend.
"Miles, from London..."
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgement Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
Hmmm... You didn't get the letter either, huh??
A lesson in
resolving conflict/stress management
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this:
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I
found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up
with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I
yelled "You're a complete dickhead!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "complete dickhead," and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell,
"You're a complete dickhead!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the complete dickhead.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is
the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a complete
dickhead!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's
ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just
dial 01254 675916
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.
I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began
to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong
direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a complete dickhead, there sure a lot of
complete dickheads in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale"
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 01254 675916 and yelling, "You're a complete
dickhead!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" I inquired.
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're a complete dickhead!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler. For a
while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I
had two complete dickheads to call. Then, after several months of calling
the complete dickheads and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial complete dickhead #1. A man answered nicely
saying,"Hello."
I yelled "You're a complete dickhead!", but I didn't hang up.
The complete dickhead said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, complete dickhead!" and I hung up.
Then I called complete dickhead #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, complete dickhead!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now complete
dickhead!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he
got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West
34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious! Watching two complete dickheads kicking the crap out of each
other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and the late evening news
cameras was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
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