David's Funnies

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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. 

"That's amazing!!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I.” 

“We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. 

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. 

"So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" asked Mary

"Things couldn't be better!" Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterwards the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts a teach other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you". he said. 

“But doctor,"Mary complained," You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" 

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." 

The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no f*****g bike." 

Three old pilots are walking on the ramp. 
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" 
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" 
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer." 

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." 
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" 
"Twelve thirty." 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. 
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" 
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' 
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. 
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!" 
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!" 

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... 
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." 
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago. 

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: 

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests itself: 

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I spotted the mail on the hall table. I should go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay the car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. 

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the rubbish anyway, I might as well pay the bills first. I see my chequebook on the table, but there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I find the bottle of juice that I had been drinking. 

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. But the juice is getting warm, and should be put in the refrigerator to keep it cold. 

Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need to be watered. I set the juice down on the counter, and find my reading glasses, for which I've been searching all morning. I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. 

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the 
kitchen table. I should put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. 

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back down on the table, and get some towels to wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. 

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 

I'm trying to figure out why nothing got done today; it's quite baffling because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I know this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. 

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to whoever you think might enjoy it, because I don't remember who I've already sent it to. 

TV double entendres........... 

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." 

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." 

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." 

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." 

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." 

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." 

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." 

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." 

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." 

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" 

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." 

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." 

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." 

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." 

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" 

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." 

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." 

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

 

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