David's Funnies

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOFERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER. 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. 
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. 
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. 
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. 
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Why women are like football pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regard to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play. 

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald. 

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends. 

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner. 

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. 

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities. 

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited. 

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings. 

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner. 

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles. 

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground. 

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies. 

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches. 

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie. 

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy. 

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should. 

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes. 

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches. 

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week. 

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead. 

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf. 

23. Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised. 

24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play. 

25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose 

THE MALE VERSION 

At first I was afraid I was petrified 
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side 
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head. 
If I'd known for just one second you'd Assault me in your bed. 

I tried to go, walk out the door 
But you've been sitting on my legs and I Can't feel them anymore 
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose Has vanished - not a trace, 
I only hope that your big knickers are not Made of liquorice lace 

I want to go, I've got to leave 
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave 
I Only hope that no one saw me walking home With such a slut 
Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're Half cut. 

I can't believe, I'm lying here. 
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that We call beer 
You can all sod your beer goggles, shit I must Have been blind 
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind. 

Please let me go, I'm getting scared 
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Breasts from being bared. 
I think that I must have been mad, God what 
Made me want to court her? 
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just Filled up with water 

It's time to go, run out the door 
She's started hinting that she wants sex on that Dirty lino floor 
I don't think there's anything worse 
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse. 

I WILL SURVIVE ! 


To which the girls reply......... 

THE FEMALE VERSION 

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. 
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side. 
I would've drunk a little less, I would've Tried to keep my head, 
If I'd known for just one second I'd be in Your crusty bed... 

I tried to go, walk out the door. 
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I fell on the floor. 
Your butt's a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace, 
But I'd rather look at that, than at your Fucking ugly face...! 

I want to go, I've got to leave. 
Your talk of chicks and football really makes Me want to heave. 
I only know I've got to stop my drinking Spirts and the beer 
Coz when I looked at you last night, hell, you Looked just like Richard Gere ! 

I can't believe, that we both shagged. 
You should be wearing concrete shoes or should be Simply bound and gagged. 
I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the Fuckn' train 
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greebies down the drain. 

Please let me go, I feel quite sick, 
We had the worst sex in the world and you're A bloody ugly prick 
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat 
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm Stuck with you, you twat. 

It's time to go, run out the door. 
You look so ugly it should really be against the law. 
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm gonna Have no stupid fun 
Coz waking up beside you makes me Want to be a nun ! 

I WILL SURVIVE ! 

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"OK Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" 

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. 

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band. 

In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr - everyone is naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to do what she does best. She swallows nicely then does the same for his guitarist, bass player, drummer and finally the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through the wall in a Mini Cooper. He jumps out and grabs Monica Lewinsky by the scruff of the neck, "Oi!" he shouts "You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

26 Signs That You've Grown Up 

a. Your potted plants stay alive. 
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.' 
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. 
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. 
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs. 
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you. 

An old soldier was limping as he walked down the road dragging his left foot along the ground with every step, notices a chap with the same kind of infliction heading toward him, as they past the old soldier tapped his left leg and with pride in his voice said " Dunkirk 1940" the passing stranger tapped his right leg and said "Dog shit 20 yards" back.... 

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SINGLE WOMAN AND A MARRIED WOMAN?

SINGLE WOMAN GO HOME SEE WHATS IN THE FRIDGE THEN GO TO BED 

MARRIED WOMEN GO HOME SEE WHATS IN THE BED THEN GO TO THE FRIDGE 

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NEW HUSBAND AND A NEW DOG?

AFTER A YEAR THE DOG IS STILL EXCITED TO SEE YOU 

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. 

By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." 

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." 

"Oh, that would be wonderful, "replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." 

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant or possibly someone in senior management" 

A squad of Taliban were sent to fight the Northern Alliance. They were all given weapons except for poor old Ossy. He was told that he did not need a gun because his God would protect him and they gave him a stick. He need only point the stick and shout "bang bang" and his victim would be killed. If he saw several of the enemy together he could shout "rat-ta-ta-tat" and it would kill them all. In the event of close combat he could shout "stab-a-ty stab" and his combatant would be ripped to pieces. "Remember" he was told "HE will protect you!" The squad headed for the Northern Alliance lines when Ossy saw a fighter running towards him. He shouted "bang bang" and the man dropped dead. Then more came over the hill and he shouted "rat-ta-ta-tat". They dropped like flies. One tried to get up and Ossy shouted "stab-a-ty-stab" and man slumped back to the ground bleeding from terrible injuries. 

Ossy thought to himself "it is true...HE is looking after me...I am invincible!" 

Just then another warrior approached Ossy. "Bang bang"...the man got close. "Rat-ta-ta-tat"...still the enemy kept coming. "Stab-a-ty-stab"...still nothing! 

Then he felt a searing pain and he dropped to the floor in terrible agony and the last words he ever heard on this mortal coil was..... ............TANKETY-TANK 

A woman rings the emergency services and asks for an ambulance because she's pregnant. The operator says that she can't have an ambulance just because she's pregnant. but my waters have broken explains the woman. oh that's different says the operator, where are you ringing from? From my fanny to my feet says the woman. 

Do you know what your belly button is for? 
To hold salt when you eat chips in bed 

Psychiatrists inform us that one out of four people are mentally ill. So check out your friends - if three of them are all right - it must be you ! 

Cliff Richards is at Wimledon, and it start to bucket down. The people at the stadium urge him to sing some songs. "OK, tell you what folks, you request a song for me to sing, and if i can't sing it, I'll give that person 10 grand." 

So this lady shouts out "Congratulations" so Cliff belts it out good style, and the fans are going wild. 

A guy then shouts out "Summer Holiday." So Cliff gets the crowd up of their seats and before you know it, they are all singing along.

"Any more please?" asks Cliff. So up in the corner this little Chinese guy shouts out "Its a fanny Criff."

Before you can say polly, the security guards race up to him, and grab him.

"Hold on a minute" shouts Cliff to the security guards, maybe he's made some mistake." So the guards let him go, again he shouts out" Its a fanny, Criff, cant you sing it for me" 

" Sorry mate, you got me stumped, give the guy 10 grand, fairs fair.

By the way sir, how does the song you want me to sing to you , go?" 

So he shouts out "Criff, this is how it goes......"Its a fanny why we dont talk anymore......." 

A chap spied an old mate that he hadn't seen for ages. On asking him where he had been the guy replied" I've had a bereavement in the family." " that's bad news", he said. " what happened?" The mate replied " The missus died of V D " " But you don't die of that these days" His mate replied "You do if you give it to me! " 

One day a baby polar bear went up to it's mother and said "Mother am I really a polar bear?" "Of course you are darling" said his mother " you've got a lovely thick white coat and a lovely little black nose, of course you're a polar bear." The next day the little polar bear went up to his father and said " Daddy am I really a polar bear? "Of course you are son" said his dad, " You've got a lovely black nose and thick white 
fur of course you're a polar bear, now listen son, yesterday you asked your mother if you were a polar bear and today you've asked me, why do you keep on asking if you're a polar bear?, and the little polar bear replied "Because I'm bloody freezing" 

Now, read this carefully--
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Top Eight Morons of 2001 

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 

2. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up." 

3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 

4. A man walked into a Topeka, Kan., Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 

5. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 

6. A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 

7. In Modesto, Calif., Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. 

8. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Calif., some folks, new to boating, we re having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. 

Yesterday, I was on the bus traveling home from work. A man of Arabic appearance got off at the stop before mine and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder. 

He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I can never repay your kindness sir, but I will try to with a word of advice for you and your friends: Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Cleveland." 

I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered. 

"No, sir," he whispered back. "It's a s---hole." 

What Religion is your Bra? 

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." 

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. 

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" 

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size colour and material imaginable. 

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." 

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" 

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. 

The saleslady responded, "It is all quite simple." 

1. "The Catholic type supports the masses."
2. "The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen."
3. "The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
4. "The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills." 

A woman was very distraught at the fact she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room

Dr.Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose".

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder sise of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,

"OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said,

"Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked,

"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass".

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was-a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train-a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and-a we were looking-a forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up-a da luncha basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.

The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'ain dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, 'NO-FOK, VIRGINIA! NO-FOK, VIRGINIA!'

"Next'a time, I'm-a driva down!!"

Kylie Mynogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking down a flight of steps outside a hotel when Kylie fell her length and ended up on her hands and knees with her head firmly stuck in a hole in a fence. 

Robbie not being one to pass up the opportunity, whipped her pants off and fulfilled his ambition with her. Standing up, he turned to Elton and said, 'OK, it's your turn now'. Elton replied, 'OK, but I don't think I'll be able to get my head through that hole'. 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. 

The Priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said "Father; remember psalm 129". The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. 

However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember psalm 129". 

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". 

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went her way. On his arrival at his Church, the priest rushed up to retrieve the Bible and looked up psalm 129. 

It said "Go forth and seek, further up you will find Glory". 

MORAL OF THE STORY: 

ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB. OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!! 

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom  performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. 

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger... CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual...CLICK...empty. 

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. 

The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. 

The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?" 

The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. 

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." 

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." 

An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun. He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun. 

He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down. 

On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. 

'You idiot !' said the captain, 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're in a load of trouble'. 

'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!' 

'I know that!' said the captain, 'but they were Allied Carpets!' 

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. 

One fella walked into a doctor's surgery and the receptionist asked him what he had. 

He said, "Shingles." 

o she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. 

He said, "Shingles". 

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room. 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. 

He said "Shingles." 

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. 

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. 

He said, "Shingles." 

The doctor said, "Where?" 

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool. 

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Stealin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. 

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. 

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. 

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet Highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all went down -

* DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
* Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."
* DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
* Contestant: "Brian."
* DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
* Brian: "Yes."
* DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
* Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
* DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
* Brian: "Sara."
* DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
* Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
* DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
* Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."
* DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
* Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
* DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
* Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
* DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
* Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
* DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
* Brian: "About 10 minutes."
* DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
* Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
* DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" 
* Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
* DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" 
* Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
* DJ: "Uh huh..."
* Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
* DJ: "ATTA boy, Brian."
* Brian: "On the kitchen table."
* DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
work number and call her up. You listen to this. 

* (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
* DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
* (touch tones.....ringing....)
* Clerk: "Kinkos."
* DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
* Clerk: "This is she."
* DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
* Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
* DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules
of Mate Match'?"

* Sarah: "No."
* DJ: "Good!"
* Brian: (laughing)
* Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
* Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
* DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. 
* If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" 
* Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." 
* DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" 
* Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." 
* DJ: "What time?" 
* Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." 
* DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" 
* Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
* DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" 
* Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." 
* DJ: "Where did you have it?" 
* Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" 
* Brian: "Just tell him, honey." 
* DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
* Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..." 
* DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer please?" 
* Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
* Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida." 
* DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?" 
* Sarah: (short pause) "up the arse." 
* (long, long pause) 
* DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors." 
* 3 minutes later.
* DJ: "I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is a live radio show
and these things do happen from time to time. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida."

FBI

Every year the US FBI, is asked to investigate over 36000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigatons Unit puts out its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year". 

20. 

Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged being of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused sever bleeding. 

19. 

Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake. 

18. 

Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one slip and promptly collapsed. (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later. 

17. 

David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to "have his way with her" his unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a doubled barrelled shot gun Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case. 

16. 

Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes 8 years). The Land lord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent. 

15. 

Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her. 

14. 

Meegan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Meegan Fri has jumped out in front of them and yelled. "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target." One of the troopers stated in his report. 

13. 

Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised to be paid $500 000 for the task. The "Hit Man" killed the boyfirend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, who's father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady didn't have access to $500 000. 

12. 

Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, he grabbed her and spun her around, as he did she lost her footing and stubbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventrical of the heart, killing him instantly. 

11. 

Mummod Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the "Russian Mafia, after he accidentally took away the gangsters drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 litres of 'coca cola'(the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned. 

10. 

Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Micheal because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial. 

9. 

Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a check up. 

8. 

Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 000 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, Some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road. 

7. 

Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sherriffs officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway. 

6. 

Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend used the movie, "Die Hard, With a Vengence." as inspiration.....He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God love the KKK." on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased. 

5. 

Jay Newton was killed after a co worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Tonne Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale. crushing the victim instantly, (and emptying 1/4 the water from the pool) 

4. 

Carl Densinter, 34 years old, by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane, the planes gear automatically retracked after take off. But come landing time wouldn't re-engage, the helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly. 

3. 

Mary Dridely, Joesph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building, David Smee,7 old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotels gaming room. Bored, the kids though it'd be fun to try to squish the "Ant looking things on the foot path below." (people) They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the draws from the bedroom dresser. 

2. 

Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents past away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian" Conrad promptly light a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process. 

1. 

Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zoo keeper Boyfriend Mattew Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo the see the lion feeding, and at feeding time lead her into a room the had a large slide away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. he 'ducked out for a quick smoke' and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened the reveal many persons starring at her, she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realized that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some medication and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go and join her husband at the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when he was away from her.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. 

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance".

Saddened by her husbands obvious lies she asked him what he had done, wanting him to change his story and tell the truth.

He explained "When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Wife paled and quickly stopped asking questions.

 

 

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Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

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